An Abridged* Version of the Vice-Presidential Debate
Moderator Gwen Ifill: You know the drill from the Presidential Debate last week. I don't, of course, which will become painfully obvious when I botch the rules later on. Ready?
Ifill: Let's start with the war on terror. Is there a connection to Iraq?
Vice President Dick Cheney: Iraq represented the greatest possibility of a nexus between terrorists and weapons of mass destruction.
Senator John Edwards: Only after you invaded ... with too few troops.
Cheney: This is going to be a long night.
Ifill: How about Osama bin Laden specifically? Any connection to Iraq?
Edwards: We weren't attacked by Iraq on 9-11. Everyone but the President and Vice-President know that.
Cheney: If I spend the next 90 seconds talking about al-Zarqawi in menacing terms, will you forget what he just said?
[...]
Ifill: The President changed his mind about the 9-11 Commission and the Department of Homeland Security. Senator Kerry changed his mind about the war in Iraq. What's wrong with a little flip-flop once in a while?
Cheney: Are you trying to pre-empt my main line of attack?
Edwards: Objection. The Vice-President used the words "pre-empt" and "attack" in the same sentence.
Ifill: What are your thoughts about a Constitutional ban on gay marriage?
Cheney: I think people should make their own choices, but when it comes to the government sanctioning those choices, I think it should be up to the states. As for the amendment, though, the President sets policy for this administration.
Edwards: I think the President is using this as a wedge issue ... but I would like to say that the Vice-President loves his daughter, and I respect the Vice-President for being able to talk about his daughter being gay amd embracing her.
Cheney: That was sly.
Ifill: Let's talk about your records.
Cheney: The President and I have experience fighting the war on terror.
Edwards: A long political resume is not the same thing as good judgement.
Cheney: My opponent never attends the Senate. I'm President of the Senate and I never met him until tonight.
Edwards: Actually, you've met me twice before. I have the photographs to prove it.
Cheney: [coughs] Well, my opponent has voted for tax increases roughly 67,253,251 times.
Edwards: The Vice-President voted against a holiday for Martin Luther King.
Cheney: Don't make me come over there.
Ifill: I'd like you to talk about how you're different from the other candidate here tonight without mentioning the other person on your ticket.
Edwards: Well, with the Vice-President, you get four more years of the same. Senator Kerry and I -- oh, wait, I broke your rule ... are you ... enforcing --
Ifill: Yes, I'm enforcing the rule.
Edwards: O.k., o.k. I believe that I bring a fresh perspective and energy to this job, and just like Senator Kerry -- dang, I've done it again ... your rule -- [laughs]
Ifill: Yes, you have.
Edwards: Right, o.k., um [pause] we [pause] believe that --
Ifill: I didn't just mean don't use his name, for God's sake, I meant talk about yourself -- just you. Unbelievable ... were you seriously a successful trial lawyer?
Cheney: Nice.
Ifill: Senator, you have 30 seconds to respond.
Edwards: I thought I already ... do I still have ...?
Ifill: Yes, you have 30 seconds.
Edwards: O.k., well, here's the thing. The "No Child --
Ifill: O.k., I lied. You already used the 30 seconds. Oops.
Edwards: I got in way more trouble when I broke a rule.
Ifill: Mr. Vice-President, how do you respond to Senator Edwards' allegations with regards to Halliburton?
Cheney: I could respond, but it would take a lot longer than 30 seconds. [laughs]
Ifill: I'm not laughing. Thirty seconds is all you have.
Cheney: Someone call Dan Rather, please.
Ifill: What qualifies you to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency?
Edwards: My charm and natural good looks.
Ifill: I said heartbeat, not heartthrob.
Edwards: Oh.
Cheney: I've already been "a heartbeat away" a few times, if you know what I mean.
Ifill: Closing statements?
Edwards: I'd like to tell a long and personal story to connect with the average American and thus fulfill the reason that John Kerry put me on the ticket. [90 seconds later.] And I'd like to thank you for moderating, and thank the Vice-President for being here.
Cheney: I'd like to thank you for moderating. I don't particularly want to thank Senator Edwards.
Ifill: Thank you, Senator Edwards, Vice President Cheney. And that's a wrap. Mr. Vice President, there's a car waiting outside to return you to your undisclosed location. Senator, we're off the air. You can wipe that smile off your face now.
[*] And, you know, completely abstracted from what was actually said. For the actual debate transcript, click here.
Okay, this comment is unrelated to your useful and amusing synopsis.
Is this a little weird?:
U.S. Military Pounds Targets in and Around Falluja
By TERENCE NEILAN 10:32 AM ET
In other violence today, a car bomb killed 10 Iraqis. Also, Poland said it would reduce its troops in Iraq.
Ummmm... "in other violence today" ???
I am starting to realize, incidentally, that blogs like this one need a sort of message board attached to them for idle comments that are not strictly related to a particular post but ARE related to the theme of the site.
Does Movable Type incorporate such an option?
Sadly, MovableType does not by default include such an option, although presumably there's a way to build something like that in through coding. I might work on that if I get some time. Nice point re: "in other violence today." I've hard that phrase on the TV news as well. Madness.
Posted by: Anatole at October 17, 2004 04:48 PM