January 05, 2005

The Heart Attack Special

It starts at around 11:00 p.m., as a nagging sensation in your head. Your brain is firmly in control, but something's not right. Something is missing. In less than an hour, though, what started as a fleeting thought has become a clear and raging demand further south -- no, not that far south ... your stomach has taken over. Should you? Probably not. But you do anyway.

You head to the Elgin Street Diner for a poutine and chocolate milkshake - the artery-clogger I like to call "the heart attack special."

Having researched the phenomenon extensively (a few pant sizes too extensively, no doubt...), I present to you the 10 stages of reckoning with this explosive meal.

  1. Desire: "I need poutine. I need a milkshake so thick it could stop a bullet. Need."
  2. Doubt: "But wait! Do I really need so many cheese curds? At this time of night?"
  3. Confidence/self-assuredness: "Damn right I do! Besides, I deserve a treat. And it's fun to go out late at night once in a while. The ESD's an institution!"
  4. Resignation: "Well, I ordered it. There's no turning back now."
  5. Panic: "Wow, this sure is a lot of food. I'm already feeling full after just a few bites. Better eat faster."
  6. Fulfillment: "Pooouuu-tine. Miiiiiilk-shake."
  7. Regret: "I feel so ill. I can't believe I just did that. What the hell was I thinking?"
  8. Critique: "O.k., so that was totally ridiculous. Why do I keep doing this? I've got to learn to control myself. Right. Mental note to self: never do that again. Ever."
  9. Amnesia: "What's that tingling sensation? The juxtaposition of chocolate and gravy is addling my synapses ... must be affecting ... memories fading ..."
  10. Repeat: "I need poutine. I need the milkshake so thick it could stop a bullet. Need."

Posted by anatole at January 5, 2005 10:21 PM

"Repeat until shooting pains or prescription pants."

Posted by: Mike Hoye at January 5, 2005 10:51 PM